Parents are going to ludicrous lengths to take the bumps out of life and living for their children, to the point of actually trying to LIVE their children's lives for them. However, hyperconcern has the net effect of making our kids MORE fragile; and the result is they're breaking down in record numbers.
After a successful, lifetime career in performance psychology (education and coaching), a recent trade journal (American Swimming Coaches Newsletter-Volume 2011-Issue o5) reminded me of research quoted in a 'Psychology Today' article/research published in 2004. In it a red flag was raised concerning our escalating insistence in intervening in our children's lives to protect them from the bumps and bruises of normally growing up. The result is we are increasingly raising a nation of ultra-fragile youngsters who lack basic coping skills when dealing with failure, and even lack one of life's most fundamental skills: resilience...HOW do you cope when life hands you a dirty deal.
This comes home with the increasingly numbers...from single or two pages...to STACKS of 'accomodations' crossing the average teachers desks today. Not only are we unable to keep up with ALL the accommodations levied on us, it is nearly impossible given the sheer numbers of bodies in our classrooms. They are well documented, and occasionally necessary, but more often than not merely an excuse to cover a student's REAL problem...sheer laziness, procrastination and a lack of simple personal organization and discipline, often the very attributes their parents who apply for the accommodation are lacking themselves!
"Life is planned out for us, " says Elise Kramer, a Cornell University junior. "But we don't know WHAT to want." As Elkind puts it, "Parents and schools are no longer geared toward child development, they're geared to academic achievement." I've recently had, sadly, yet another example of a parent(s) with the 'over-achievement' illness. In advising a young person on their academic prospects, the student aspired to become a diesel mechanic...the parent's (well meaning) response was the goal for 'their' student was to become a brain surgeon (I'm afraid the emphasis and exaggeration is my own...). The debate went on for clearly 15-20 minutes before either side started LISTENING to one another.
In education, and in sport, there is no doubt there are significant economic forces pushing parents to invest heavily in their childrens outcomes from a very early age. But taking ALL the discomfort, disappointment and even the play out of development, especially while increasing the pressure for success (in a society the has lost ALL perspective on what success means), turns out to be misguided by about 180 degrees. Increasingly studies on the severity of student mental health problems seems to concur.
With few challenges on their own, kids are unable to forge their own creative adaptations (read resilience) to the normal vicissitudes of life, and not only make them risk-adverse, it makes them psychologically fragile. It also riddles them
with anxiety and a host of 'accomodation' prone disorders. In the process, they are robbed of identity, who they really are, meaning and a sense of accomplishment. They haven't really accomplished anything...their mom/dad is/will be always in the arena punching it out for them...how sad, and counterproductive. The very leaders who are voting for our funding, and asking us to produce a compliant and ready workforce for their businesses are actually working against us.
I don't fly well...I am nervous; I panic on every 'clear-air-turbulence' bump and grab the person next to me, whether I know them or not. This often results in some awkward moments and stressed flight attendants. Be that as it may, the pilot in the cockpit I want spot-on 100%...if I'm flying to LAX and he's having a '99%-day' we end up in the bay, and I'm swimming to shore. I'm a good swimmer, so 'good luck' to the rest of you suckers. I continue to argue why do we hold such high expectations of others and are so willing to 'lower the bar' for ourselves and those around us?
1 comment:
I agree with this. Society today is plagued with helicopter parents who are so afraid of letting their children fail that they fail in preparing those children for life.
That is not to say that we should stand idly by while the bullies of the world have their way, but we should strike a balance between sheltering our children and ignoring them completely.
Teaching our children how to handle themselves when the going gets tough is important. If we don't, they will have no frame of reference for hard work and will fail.
Teaching our children how and when to ask for help is also important. Without that, they will fail to ask when they need the help and will also fail.
The balance between too much sheltering and not enough is often a tough one to find, but when we do find it, we will raise strong, well adjusted people.
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